| Autumn Reverence |
[30 Oct 2009|01:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhilarated |
] |
Today was unexpectedly beautiful. I woke up to go to a lecture and instead I showed up for a symphony. I got to hear a cello- live in our auditorium. (my favorite musical instrument)
Afterwards I asked for and received a warm hug from a friend.
When I stepped outside the wind was blowing leaves around in an endless swirling dance, drowning out all other sound save for the laughter of my peers jumping in leaf piles.
I felt alive in these moments- living rather than just breathing.
I climbed the tree where I first talked to Ian during a full moon. It was there I watched with quiet longing the spirited 20-something year old children laugh and make mischief on the lawn. It was there I over heard my peers talking, "Oh, I want to climb a tree!" as they watched me climb higher into the branches.
Gravity seemed suspended- just for us. Just for a while. I found I could reach more branches than I thought possible. And every spot was comfier to sit in than I had originally thought.
I climbed with ease, wearing boots over my bare feet, jeans, and a tee shirt- unencumbered by jackets or coats. I felt so free. So very ALIVE.
I was solemn and silent all morning- but I believe internally I've been laughing and sighing with delight at this beautiful fall day.
I would relive my life again, all over from the beginning just to have more moments like these. Such breath-taking, awe-inspiring beauty. (Words that rolled on my tongue when I awoke- thinking of you.)
I revel in the delight that I am alive and loved and the spirit of today's fall beauty will inspire me for years to come.
May any and all who read this someday encounter something of equal magnificence...
from http://www.trap17.com/forums/Feel-Alive-t32716.html
hink about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one.........IT DOES
MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end.
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
12. Chocolate milk shake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry)
13. A long distance phone call.
14. A bubble bath.
15. Giggling.
16. A good conversation.
17. The beach.
18. Finding a 20 note in your coat from last winter.
19. Laughing at yourself.
20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
21. Running through sprinklers.
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
24. Laughing at an inside joke.
25. Friends.
26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
30. Playing with a new puppy.
31. Having someone play with your hair.
32. Sweet dreams.
33. Hot chocolate.
34. Road trips with friends.
35. Swinging on swings.
36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and
drinking your favorite tipple.
37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without
feeling stupid.
38. Going to a really good concert.
39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
40. Winning a really competitive game.
41. Making chocolate chip cookies.
42. Having your friends send you home-made cookies.
43. Spending time with close friends.
44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
45. Holding hands with someone you care about.
46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad)
never change.
47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
48. Watching the _expression on someone's face as they open a much desired
present from you.
49. Watching the sunrise.
50. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful
day.
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[26 Sep 2009|08:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pleasantly surprised |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
all the small things- blink-182 |
] |
are you ready to spill your guts?
absolutely.
Your phone is ringing. It's the person you fell hardest for, what do you say?
hey!
Did you speak to your father today?
no :(
Who is in your inbox?
friends and teachers
Are you ticklish?
very
Who's car were you in last?
Sarah's
Have you ever slapped someone?
once- my sister. there was some severe disrespect involved
How many people do you trust with everything?
too many
What was the last thing you drank?
mountain dew/cherry fizz
Have you ever been asked out by someone you didn't want to be with?
many
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
oh so many
Name one thing you love about winter?
sleeping in when school's out
When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start it?
Start the water first
Does anything on your body itch right now?
no 0_o
Does every family have a crazy uncle?
most do
Have you ever dated a Goth?
no
Can you fix your own car?
probably not.
Do you find it hard to trust others?
no, quite the opposite
What were you doing at 4am this morning?
waiting to fall asleep
Does anyone call you babe or baby?
only a few people- they have special privileges
Have you kissed the last person you texted?
no
If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?
depends on what the drugs were for
Tell me about the shirt you are wearing..
it's the white one that Carley painted for english class when they covered "Grendel"
What's the very first thing you do when you wake up?
start hitting things until I find the snooze button
What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11?
I think of Casey McClintock
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
Ian
What are you wearing on your feet?
flip flops, anklets
Do you check your texts right away when you receive them?
I only get texts from at&t 411 searches -so yes.
Have you ever searched for your house on Google Earth?
not yet...
Would you rather date someone older than you or younger?
doesn't matter
You wake up, all your hair is gone, your first reaction?
"SHIT!" ...shampooing will be easy... I'll have to buy a lot of hats...
What are you excited about?
sleeping before the onslaught of work tomorrow
Are you listening to music right now?
hallelujah- jeff buckley
Were you happy when you woke up this morning?
no, it was too early
Two days from now this time, where will you be?
up late attempting to finish homework
Has anyone upset you in the last week?
too many
Do you believe your ex cares about you?
psh- what ex?
Are you short?
not terribly
Have you ever dyed your hair an unnatural color?
auburn red- it's fading so it's almost natural looking
Do you think your wasting your time on the person you like?
often
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
honestly? probably a male prostitute without diseases. hahaha. that or a boyfriend. hahahahahaha. nevermind. This is why I don't speak my mind too often...
What are you listening to?
sleep now in the fire- rage against the machine
What is on your bed right now?
mattress topper(cushiony), sheets, an oversized comforter, throw blankets, and big pillows. :D
What/who woke you up this morning?
my alarm- under my bed
Do you miss anyone?
too many to list, too many loved to mention discretely
Will you be in a relationship next month?
perhaps...
Do you think there are circumstances when it's okay to wait for someone?
many
Is there anyone in the room with you?
nope
When was the last time you saw your mom?
august...:(
Do you think there is someone thinking about you right now?
oh yes :D
Were you smiling in the last picture taken of you?
no
Your last received call, Would you kiss them?
probably not considering she'd hurt me.
What is your biggest fear about making a total commitment to someone?
That I'll smother him- worrying about him and needing him too much
Your ex is on the side of the road on fire, what do you do?
don't have an ex, but even if I did, and he was a vicious bastard, I'd put him out. hahaha (that can wherever you want it to)
Who did you last ride in the car with?
Sarah
Your sister tells you she's in jail, what do you say?
Who's ass am I kicking? yours or your friends'?
Is there one person you look at and automatically smile?
yes
How many kids do you want when you're older?
a few
Will you keep your last name when you get married?
no
|
|
| journal entry from a while back |
[01 Sep 2009|11:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bittersweet Symphony -Eve 6 |
] |
<input ... > longing for someone you can't have.
And knowing they don't want you.
Rejected. Dejected.
Out of Bounds and Not your Type.
It's okay because I want you to be happy.
Funny though, because when I see you happy with others and not me,
I'm not happy for you- I'm sad for myself.
I want the best for you even when I'm not in the picture-
which makes me miserable.
I don't mind being miserable if it makes your life better.
I still miss you.
Are we still friends?
It doesn't feel like it.
Maybe I ruined it with my awkward confessional love-note.
I don't care- I still miss you.
If you ever want someone to treat like shit and still love you for it,
I'll be right here.
Does that make me masochistic?
I could be.
I'm contemplating it.
I still miss you.
And since all of this sounds obsessive and clingy anyway
I might as well put this in too.
I'm sorry for the time I grabbed your jacket and hugged it.
That was probably a little creepy.
If it makes you feel any better, it smelled nice.
I still miss you. |
|
| upset beyond sad. |
[01 Sep 2009|03:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
homesickness strike 3
panic attack strike 1
desperate plea for attention strike 2
unproductive crying fit strike 2
"what kind of fucked up game are we playing anyway?"
where's home base and what the fuck is a home run?
don't know if I'm gonna make it to history class or not.
so sad.
where did it go? all this build up and it's gone- all the misery is there but I can't cry
what the hell?!
I miss everyone so much!
I feel like shit and don't know if I'll be able to feel better before class. D:
haha. fuckin perfect. "jumper" by 311 is playing. I'm not suicidal damnit.
I just want someone to come up and talk to me. give me a hug and not expect anything. I'm tired of being that girl that listens to everyone. Why can't someone just listen to me or take my mind off this?
i think it's dumb that I'm not breathing enough. I'm gasping every couple of minutes or so.
|
|
| *PUKE* |
[01 Sep 2009|01:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
technical mixdown |
] |
I have to write a response paper to a packet I read about Jeff Koons. What a fruitcake. I hate everything about his art and his process. Writing this paper is making me ill.
|
|
| :D |
[31 Aug 2009|08:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
Sarah Choi- I blame you and thank you at the same time for youtube's Chinese Guy- freakin' hysterical.
|
|
| Unpleasant. |
[31 Aug 2009|05:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
distressed |
] |
I am, in simplest terms, unwell.
|
|
| fuck technology. |
[30 Aug 2009|09:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Let the bodies hit the floor- drowning pool |
] |
I'm so fucking pissed off. I have been almost all day. I have no idea why. Like seriously get me some pills or a tranquilizer. I'm gonna flip a bitch. Seriously so fuckin' mad. At everything. at how busy everyone is. At how bored I am. How every time I move anything on my desk something avalanches. How I'm so fuckin' single. How I can't sleep w/o drugs. How I miss my puppies and my parents and my friends. How I have to climb down a ladder, put on some shoes and take my keys just to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. How I have so many fuckin' appointments. How I don't have a car. How I've run out of money before the loan $ came in. How I can't afford to eat off campus. How all the guys I like are too old for me. How everyone smokes. How everyone seems to be better in art than I am. How I can't pay attention worth shit. how I'm whining like a middle schooler right now. And how I can't fuckin' cry. God, i'm so tired. so so fucking tired. i would give so much to be able to cry and go to sleep right now.
|
|
| awesome |
[29 Aug 2009|02:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awed |
] |
"Knowing" is an awesome film. For anyone who hasn't seen it I would strongly recomend it.
|
|
| Struggling with Sexual Purity and Morality. |
[12 Aug 2009|02:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
After having dealt with some issues on the subject I've come to a couple conclusions.
Masturbating is okay. That is the act of it is.
Lusting after men and women is not.
Being attractive to the opposite sex is okay.
Arousing lust in others is not.
Fantasizing over a future spouse is okay.
Lusting over someone you wish was your spouse is not.
Wanting to be wanted is perfectly okay and normal.
Looking at pornography to feel better is not okay- but is remarkably common.
Struggling with sexual thoughts and actions is normal.
But dealing with them on your own isn't a good idea.
bottom line: lust is a natural human feeling. but just because it's natural doesn't make it right.
Notes for anyone who has read this:
these are my beliefs.
I am a Christian.
I don't judge you for being different from me.
Feel free to find your own opinions on the subject.
If you want you can share them with me.
|
|
| Near Death Experiences are Weird |
[03 Aug 2009|03:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
scared |
] |
went into anaphylactic shock on friday. almost died. my aunt is a doctor and luckily she was there with me when it happened. she had a kit with her. she gave me an inhaler, a shot of benadryll and an epi-pen. Followed up with prednisone and I'm A-OK.
|
|
| I <3 Velvet Goldmine |
[01 Jun 2009|11:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pleased |
] |
a beautiful Miramax film. christian bale jonathan rhys myersand ewan mcgregor are total glam eye candy. this film was enlightening and stunning :D it opened my eyes to how versatile these actors are. I was very impressed.
Velvet Goldmine From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia "Maxwell Demon" redirects here. For the thought experiment, see Maxwell's demon. Velvet Goldmine is a 1998 film directed and co-written by Todd Haynes. The film tells the story of a pop star based mainly on David Bowie's 'Ziggy Stardust' character and is set in Britain during the days of glam rock in the early 1970s.
[edit] About the film The film centers on Brian Slade (Jonathan Rhys Meyers), a bisexual glam rock icon patterned after David Bowie and, to a lesser extent, Marc Bolan. Ewan McGregor co-stars in the role of Curt Wild, a genre defying performer who doesn't back down from sex, nudity or drugs on or off stage, and whose biographical details are based on Iggy Pop ("lead singer and founder of the greatest garage band known to mankind" who grew up in a trailer park) and Lou Reed (whose parents sent him to electroshock therapy to 'cure' his homosexuality). Also featured are Christian Bale as a young glam rock fan and reporter, Arthur Stuart, Toni Collette as Slade's wife, Mandy, and Eddie Izzard as his manager, Jerry Devine. The tale strongly parallels Bowie and Pop's relationship in the 1970s and 1980s, with parallel stages in both stories including "folk singer takes illegal substances" and "open-minded glam rocker becomes bland straight guy." Brian Slade's gradually overwhelming on-stage persona of "Maxwell Demon" and his backing band, "Venus in Furs", likewise bear a resemblance to Bowie's similar persona and backing band, Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. And like the relationship of Slade and Wild, Bowie produced records with both Iggy Pop and Lou Reed. Haynes has said that the story is also about the love affair between America and Britain, New York and London, in the way each music scene feeds off and influences each other.[1] Little Richard is shown as an early influence on Brian Slade, who in real life inspired the Beatles and Bowie, who in turn inspire every band to come after. Little Richard has also been cited by Haynes as the inspiration for Jack Fairy. [2] As an American, Haynes sees the glam scene as an outsider, just as the character of Arthur sees the world of his idols, Slade and Wild. Although the film is described as being about Bowie / Slade, the film is really about the teenage fans of glam rock and the adolescent experience of finding one's identity. The notion of self-invention, a theme in the life and works of Oscar Wilde as well as in the personas of Ziggy and Iggy, give teenagers a natural impetus to emulate the outrageous clothes and make up of Glam rockers. The film is strongly influenced by the ideas and life of Oscar Wilde (seen here as a progenitor of glam rock), referring to both events in his life and quotes of his work on dozens of occasions. The work of Jean Genet (the subject of Haynes' previous film, Poison) is referred to in imagery and also quoted as dialogue. The narrative structure of the film is modeled on that of Orson Welles' Citizen Kane, in that reporter Bale tries to solve a mystery about Slade, traveling around to interview Slade's lovers and colleagues, whose recollections are shown in 1950s, 1960s and 1970s flashback sequences.[3]
|
|
| Rose Petal Blessing |
[01 Jun 2009|03:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
alive |
] |
Rose petal blessing: Needed: one rose, water it was kept in, one windy day
Gently pick the petals from the rose Sprinkle them in its water Carry the petals outside and for each petal make a wish for something positive and throw it to the wind Watch where they blow and say a prayer for all the wishes you sent into the world
With all the wishes you made, some of them are bound to come true.
Note, each wish must be different from the last.
|
|
| sick. |
[18 May 2009|09:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
my stomach hurts like hell and my head is sore and my back is cramped and I feel like throwing up. somehow I'm supposed to finish finals tonight...bleh...
my laptop has been resurrected and for that I am very grateful.
however, I do very much want to go to sleep. or be sick. or both
----------------
Now playing: Peaches - Fuck the pain away
via FoxyTunes
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|
| Favorite Fight Club Quotes (from IMDB.com) |
[19 Apr 2009|08:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
O_O |
] |
Tyler Durden: Only after disaster can we be resurrected.
Tyler Durden: Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it!
Narrator: OK. Give me some water!
Tyler Durden: Listen, you can run water over your hand and make it worse or...
[shouts]
Tyler Durden: look at me... or you can use vinegar and neutralize the burn.
Narrator: Please let me have it... *Please*!
Tyler Durden: First you have to give up, first you have to *know*... not fear... *know*... that someday you're gonna die.
Narrator: I am Jack's smirking revenge.
Tyler Durden: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.
Tyler Durden: Where'd you go, psycho boy?
Narrator: I felt like destroying something beautiful.
Tyler Durden: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
Narrator: When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.
Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
Tyler Durden: The things you own end up owning you.
Tyler Durden: You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.
Narrator: After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.
Narrator: And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.
Narrator: I am Jack's wasted life.
Tyler Durden: Fuck what you know. You need to forget about what you know, that's your problem. Forget about what you think you know about life, about friendship, and especially about you and me.
Tyler Durden: Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction...
Tyler Durden: Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!
Tyler Durden: I'll bring us through this. As always. I'll carry you - kicking and screaming - and in the end you'll thank me.
Tyler Durden: [to the police chief] Hi. You're going to call off your rigorous investigation. You're going to publicly state that there is no underground group. Or... these guys are going to take your balls. They're going to send one to the New York Times, one to the LA Times press-release style. Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not... fuck with us.
Tyler Durden: This is a chemical burn. It will hurt more than you've ever been burned before. You will have a scar.
Tyler Durden: Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned- Tyler.
Narrator: With insomnia, nothing's real. Everything's far away, everything's a copy.
Tyler Durden: [laughs] Self-improvement is masturbation. Now self-destruction...
for whatever reason all of these have some special meaning to me- even if they do sound like they came from a script writer who was very high on something...
|
|
| I <3 Tim Currey. A lot. |
[15 Mar 2009|03:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
giggly |
] |
I fell in love with the Rocky Horror Picture Show. :D
|
|
| MXPX "Wrecking Hotel Rooms" |
[13 Mar 2009|05:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
mellow |
] |
MXPX "Wrecking Hotel Rooms"
Lyrics -
I wrecked your hotel room
I crashed up the car
Slept in the gutter
I'm outside your door
Saw you through the key hole
Down on your knees
There's really no reason to call the police
Do you hold the phone when you're alone
Imagine that it rings then hold it to your ear
And wish that I was there to sing you off to sleep
Be with you in your dreams for the days I will be gone
I'll be there in your dreams and in this song
I know you don't know me
'Cause we've never met
I'm not really crazy
So don't get upset
I've got all these problems
None with solutions
Been in and out of some nice institutions
Do you hold the phone when you're alone
Imagine that it rings then hold it to your ear
And wish that I was there to sing you off to sleep
Be with you in your dreams for the days I will be gone
I'll be there in your dreams and in this song
I'll be there in your dreams and in this song
Do you hold the phone when you're alone
Imagine that it rings then hold it to your ear
And wish that I was there to sing you off to sleep
Be with you in your dreams for the days I will be gone
I'll be there in your dreams and in this song
I'll be there in your dreams and in this song
I'll be there in your dreams and in this song
I'll be there in your dreams and in this song
I'll be there in your dreams and in this song
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| |
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] |
| [ |
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earlier |
] |
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ch3sh1r3c47's journal
you walk by and say my name and I melt
full of daydreams and memories of us
my trembling turns to sighs as I remember you... Read More
I still miss you.
If ever we meet again
I'll take everything I can get
you might not ever be able to get out of my hug
I just hope the next time I see you (if ever)
you're still single and searching...